A little deep and a little personal, but I am throwing it all out there. Somehow, talking about it makes me feel a little bit better, and although I have very dear friends who know my struggles, only those that have been in my situation can really know how I feel. But I'm hoping with what I write, and something I want to share with you written by a friend of mine, will give you a glimpse of what I have come to realize, sadly, a lot of us go through.
31- days in my cycle
14- the day I start testing
15- the day I ovulate
32- the number of months I have been trying to conceive & the number of months I have been disappointed.
16- the number of years I have known that I was going to have fertiliy problems
(is it weird that I have felt this from a young age, that I somehow knew that I would have fertility issues?)
0- the number of times I have had a positive pregnancy test.
A friend of mine, that has dealt with some of my same issues, wrote the most amazing blog post about what woman in our situation go through every month. I asked her permission if I could share it on my blog and she said that I could. I am not going to link up to her blog because it is private and shared with friends and family, but I wanted to share with you part of what she wrote, because it is EXACTLY.what.I.feel.every.single.month! And I just couldn't have said it any better had I wrote it myself.
In my dear friend Erika's words:
NO MEDALS
"anyone who has struggled with pregnancy issues -- infertility, miscarriage, etc. -- will tell you that every month or so it's the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics of Mental Gymnastics. there are several events:
maybe you're a ribbon twirler who wants to stay positive, and you let yourself hope that This Time is going to be it...and then your cycle starts, right on time.
or maybe you're the more stoic balance beam walker who just gets up there and puts the tampons in your purse around day 27 and expects another round of disappointment because that way you can concentrate on Just Not Falling.
or maybe the whole thing has worn you down so much that you just wish desperately you could just dismount and forget it and stop counting days...but you just can't, compulsively spinning around and around the very uneven bars of your sanity.
there are no medals awarded in these events. there's no real audience because generally all this sweat and blood and tears takes place in the very private confines of a woman's heart, mind, and body. sometimes partners or friends are clued into what's going on, but generally the monthly heartbreak is downplayed, hidden, and pushed aside for the demands of everyday life. even Olympians have to pay bills, especially when Wheaties is most certainly not endorsing you."
So to anyone else that is feeling this pain and month after month struggle, I understand, and I am so very sorry, because truly I would not wish this on anyone... And Erika, thank you for all of the amazing things you write and for sharing your heart, I know that God brought you into my life so many years ago for a reason, I am blessed to have known you and spent a few weeks in person with you, and although we never see eachother and only talk through the internet, I consider you a dear friend. I love you....
11 comments:
Every single word you wrote is how I feel! It's so helpful to know you're not alone, so thank you for opening up and letting it all out. I did the same a few weeks ago and it felt like such a release. Thanks for sharing!
WOW- what a painfully hard post to write- my heart aches fro what you are going through. You are in my prayers that whatever comes, you realize that God has a plan for your life and he is definite and purposeful, however hard that is to accept. There is meaning behind your struggle and someday you will see that.
Blessings on you my friend!
~Becca
I can't remember if I told you this...but I struggled with infertility for 6 years. This was before I had a computer and could put my temps into a little box and watch a graph being made.
I did the graphs myself with a pencil and a paper. I'd analyze every temp and connect the little dots and they looked exactly like they should...and then my period would come.
That was with a husband that I shouldn't have been married to.
Once I found Keith and we wanted to start our family...I was so nervous! It took a little time but we did get pregnant...just when we were about to give up and buy a Loft in Denver.
Our first baby was lost to a miscarriage. I didn't think we'd survive. But we did and now have two kids. One is an amazing miracle. There's no way else to describe it.
I pray that your struggles will not last much longer.
HUGS!
This was a wonderful post. I know what you mean about being able to blog about this and somehow feeling a sense of relief. You know that we had similar struggles with pregnancy but I would never attempt know what you are going through. Please know that we continue to pray for you and your family and I hope the Lord blesses you one day with a precious baby as I know you would be a fabulous mom!
Michelle my heart aches for you and all the women in your same situation - I pretty much just want to echo what Becca said - God bless you!
This was incredibly honest and real and beautiful
I am so sorry that you are going through that. Thank you for opening your feelings and thoughts up. I will keep you and your cute husband in my prayers.
((hugs))
Jen
Keeping you close in prayer. I also want to second Becca's wise words...God is in control. Sometimes His timing and purpose is hard to see, but in the end we look back and see his fingerprints on our lives. Big hugs♥
i very recently decided to "go public" with the blog, so if anyone wants to see the whole original post, it's at www.tummymuffin.net.
Michelle, i feel so loved and honored by your post and i agree w/ what you said about God bringing us into each other's lives. and i hope that your honesty and vulnerability here simply brings you more courage & strength. i'm excited for what is in your future!
i very recently decided to "go public" with the blog, so if anyone wants to see the whole original post, it's at www.tummymuffin.net.
Michelle, i feel so loved and honored by your post and i agree w/ what you said about God bringing us into each other's lives. and i hope that your honesty and vulnerability here simply brings you more courage & strength. i'm excited for what is in your future!
I have PCOS... so I've had trouble conceiving in the past. I was told to use Clomid. Have you ever thought of using that?
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